I’ve read them, you’ve read them—articles, books, and blog posts telling husbands just what gift to purchase for their wife. Often such suggestions are worded like:

“Trust me, every woman loves getting flowers.”

“If you want to impress your wife, buy her jewelry.”

“Never get your wife an appliance for her birthday.”

I’ve also read something like: “Give her lingerie you’d like to see her in!” If you saw that piece of advice, you probably thought: Yes, please! How great would that be—to choose a sexy somethin’, gift it to your wife, and have her model it for you. Even better, for her to take it off for you!

Knowing Your Wife

For all the excellent advice out there about women and marriage and gift-giving generally, it doesn’t apply to every woman. For instance, this wife (J) doesn’t love getting flowers (unless they’re personally picked daisies, husband reading this), doesn’t wear a lot of jewelry and can’t wear earrings, and was thrilled to receive a clothes washer as a gift one year … because that’s what I wanted.

Likewise, some wives would love to get lingerie, and some definitely would not. And some might be more open to sensual gifts than you or she might think, if done well.

To learn what your beloved wife might appreciate as a gift, consider:

What kind of woman did you marry? Is she a romantic? A practical gal? An experiential person?

What are your wife’s love languages? How does that inform the type of gift she’d most appreciate?

What has your wife talked about wanting? Or better yet, what has she talked about lacking? Oftentimes, we women give cues by talking about what’s missing in our lives.

What past gifts has she responded well to (from you or others)? What did she like about the gifts?

Has she or will she make you a wish list? Does she have specific stores she prefers?

Is she a candid communicator or a hint-dropper? And do you need blunt direction, or can you be a gift-idea detective? (You’ll have to work this one out as a couple.)

How much money does she expect you to spend on her? Would under- or overspending stress her more

What does your wife need versus what does she want? And would a want or need gift please her more?

Answering these questions can also inform you about whether (1) a lingerie gift is a good idea, and (2) what kind of lingerie she might want.

Blind Spots to Watch For

Husbands can have blind spots when it comes to purchasing lingerie, or other intimacy related items, for their wives. Let me cover three I’ve seen quite a bit.

1. It’s not really a gift for her but a gift for him. Either the purchase of lingerie itself or the type he buys is not at all what she wants, but rather what he wants to see her in.

If that’s true, stop saying it’s for her. At least be honest enough to write “For Me” on the gift tag.

2. He has no idea what she’d actually wear. A friend of mine worked at a lingerie store years ago, and she has interesting stories about returned items—things men bought that their wife took one look at and pronounced, “Take. It. Back.” The wife may have thought it too skimpy, the wrong size, uncomfortable fabric, or red (men seemed to like that color more than women).

But when buying for your beloved, try choosing something just a stretch beyond what she’s already wearing—for example, going from a long cotton T-shirt to soft cotton nightgown of the same length. You’re more likely to hit on something a bit more sexy that she would actually wear.

3. It’s all about the sex. If you’re buying lingerie thinking that is going to open up doors previously closed, or you only buy the items that pleasure you, or you expect her to come out wearing it and dropping it in two seconds, then it’s all about the sex. And most wives—even we higher-desire wives—would like to feel treasured for more.

That’s why choosing lingerie comfortable enough for her to walk around and sleep in, or adding other items like bedroom string lights or bubble bath and a candle, or dropping in some romantic gift coupons can make your gift more meaningful. Sure, it’s about the sex, but also more than that—it’s about her and your marital intimacy.

Sexy Stuff Is the Bonus

If I were to give the “average husband” some advice, I’d suggest making the main gift something else your wife wants—whether appliance or jewelry or vacation or power tool. Then add sexy stuff as a bonus.

Some couples even have a main Christmas stocking for one another, opened in front of family, and a separate sexy stocking, opened in private. Or you could slip a special gift into your wife’s hands at the end of the long Christmas Day, with a “one more thing I wanted to give you.”

Whatever you give, make sure it honors the whole woman she is. And then go for the sexy bits. Merry Kiss-mas, after all!